truth

Around the end of October, I decided to go off some medication I've been on for 5 years. My naturopathic doctor guided me, sent me some herbs to help cope with with drawls, and things were going great (some days harder than others, but all in all good). I'm completely drug free and have been for almost 4 weeks.

I am a wreck now. I thought for sure I'd gotten a case of the crazies and need to go into a hospital. I'm impatient, irrational, grumpy, lazy, depressed, and tired - and those are just a few of the awful characteristics I've developed lately.  I really, honestly thought I was just a terrible stay at home mom and wasn't good at this type of life. I truly was starting to think that I needed to go get a job and find a good, Christian nanny for my kids because I was not cutting it. I was not good enough to teach my kids and stay home with them. (That is part of the irrational).

To top it off, last week, I started not sleeping. Awesome. How does a stay at home mom take care of her kids when she doesn't get any sleep within the hours of midnight and 7am? By making her husband stay home from work some days, and calling her mom in for backup the other days.

 I've been waking up about every 20 minutes with my head spinning, heart pounding, sweating like a football player  and nausea creeping in. I thought I must be going through with drawls from my medication. I couldn't help think, "yeah, I thought that had been too easy".

I talked with the doc today. Apparently I'm having anxiety attacks. What the what?! Aren't anxiety attacks for the weak who can't handle life and just think of themselves too much? Those who need to get out of their selfishness, look around at others, and realize their life is truly a blessing and they just need to get over it?

I'm uneducated in areas such as this. I'll say it. I just don't know. I do know it was nice to realize that all this irrational thinking was coming from with drawls from drugs (anxiety attacks), and not actually being awful at this stay at home stuff.

Thank the Lord for my doc because he is going to help me cope, and hopefully get back to normal. For the last few weeks I've felt like I was falling apart, and not knowing how to handle it. I laid in my bed during the night, begging God to just take it all away. When it persisted and got worse, I'd say, "Fine. Don't take this away. I guess you should go find someone who you actually want to help." I'd say this is my most snide, rude voice I could muster.

IRRATIONAL.

I know the Lord gives and I know He takes away. I know He doesn't give us more than we can handle. I know that we go through hard seasons so that we realize our life without God is nothing. This is all in the Bible.

These anxiety attacks suck. I feel like a wuss. I feel like a failure. I feel like a psycho. But, I know who God is, I know these won't last, and I know that God is everlasting. I know that these attacks are so very minor in the big picture.

So, here's to being psycho, and still pursuing God! Ha.