overwhelmed

So I have been sick for a few weeks. Physically and emotionally. My house is a disaster zone. Everywhere I look there is a pile to go through. Some of it is clean clothes that needs to go to dressers. Some are bills to pay or to file. A lot of toys. Toys are everywhere. Some of it is just plain trash that never made it to the trash can.

I can't live like this normally. It drives me insane. But when I am sick, I choose my battles. If all I can do is wash 5 loads of laundry, but not get them folded and put away, then so be it. That is what I will do. If I can get dinner made, but leave half the dishes for later, that is what I'll do. If I can get bills paid, and worry about where the paper will be filed later, I will.

So, my house needs some love. I don't care to give it any right now. I'm bursting with emotions (not good, stable ones).  I can barely give my kids the love and attention they deserve and need, so my house comes in dead last in priorities right now.

Bryan really wants to have people over. Normally, I am all over having guests. Now? No. I don't want anyone to step into my disaster of a house. I feel like they'd be looking into my soul and seeing what a disaster it is. It's almost too personal. I don't want anyone to see it.

I realize my last few posts have been depressing and almost scary if you aren't in my dark place. But, again, this is a scrapbook of our life. I want to look back and see how God helped me out of this mess. I want to give Him glory in every aspect of my life - in the happy, sunshine parts, and in the depressing, dark parts.

I know God is at work right now. That is the beauty in all of this. I have no idea why I feel as awful as I do. I have no idea why I had been healed for 3 years, and now I'm back to being sick. I do know that God has a plan. I do know that I'll get through it, just like I have multiple times before.

Until then, I'm in a dark place, but I trust the Lord. You know those people who smile no matter what? I'm not that person. I'll keep chugging along, but I won't always be smiling about my sickness. I can't even imagine where my life would be without God leading it and pulling me through.

So, I am thankful in this dark time. I am not smiling and singing melodies, but I am thankful.