if i were in portland....

I'd go to Papa Haydn's and order myself a big ol' dessert with a cup of coffee.

I'd go to Ikea, drop my boys off at their child care, and wander for hours.

I'd go to the Container Store because my life needs a whole lot of organization.

I'd have lunch with some old coworkers because, man, I really, really miss them.

I'd be planning meals for DYC...a lot of meals, for a lot of people...and I loved every minute of it.

I'd have my dear friend, Jessica, come up from Eugene so that we could go to Moonstruck together. I'd love a mayan hot chocolate right now.

I'd be begging my in-laws to take my kiddos for the weekend so my hubs and I could go to the beach. I want to go stay on the Oregon Coast, sit by a nice fire, and watch the waves. That sounds so quiet and relaxing.

I'd be going to Grace Chapel, and having lunch with dear friends after. I really miss our church, and I really miss our friends.

I'd plan a game night with those dear friends and be rubbing my dear friend, Shelly's belly because she's having a baby girl soon.

Oh yes, and I'd be at Trader Joe's buying some cranberry oatmeal bars. They are delicious and I could use a big old tub of them right about now.

I'd also be wearing a parka and be complaining about the darn rain. But you know what? I miss Portland way more than I ever anticipated. I love Idaho, but wow, I sure do miss aspects of Portland. shhhh, don't tell Bryan. He'll say, "I told you so".

overwhelmed

So I have been sick for a few weeks. Physically and emotionally. My house is a disaster zone. Everywhere I look there is a pile to go through. Some of it is clean clothes that needs to go to dressers. Some are bills to pay or to file. A lot of toys. Toys are everywhere. Some of it is just plain trash that never made it to the trash can.

I can't live like this normally. It drives me insane. But when I am sick, I choose my battles. If all I can do is wash 5 loads of laundry, but not get them folded and put away, then so be it. That is what I will do. If I can get dinner made, but leave half the dishes for later, that is what I'll do. If I can get bills paid, and worry about where the paper will be filed later, I will.

So, my house needs some love. I don't care to give it any right now. I'm bursting with emotions (not good, stable ones).  I can barely give my kids the love and attention they deserve and need, so my house comes in dead last in priorities right now.

Bryan really wants to have people over. Normally, I am all over having guests. Now? No. I don't want anyone to step into my disaster of a house. I feel like they'd be looking into my soul and seeing what a disaster it is. It's almost too personal. I don't want anyone to see it.

I realize my last few posts have been depressing and almost scary if you aren't in my dark place. But, again, this is a scrapbook of our life. I want to look back and see how God helped me out of this mess. I want to give Him glory in every aspect of my life - in the happy, sunshine parts, and in the depressing, dark parts.

I know God is at work right now. That is the beauty in all of this. I have no idea why I feel as awful as I do. I have no idea why I had been healed for 3 years, and now I'm back to being sick. I do know that God has a plan. I do know that I'll get through it, just like I have multiple times before.

Until then, I'm in a dark place, but I trust the Lord. You know those people who smile no matter what? I'm not that person. I'll keep chugging along, but I won't always be smiling about my sickness. I can't even imagine where my life would be without God leading it and pulling me through.

So, I am thankful in this dark time. I am not smiling and singing melodies, but I am thankful.

9 months

My goodness. My baby is 9 months old. She is just precious. I'm so thankful for her laid back spirit, and her gigantic smiles. She has the best laugh.

Here is your latest:
~ You are rolling all over the place, but you still like to sit up best.
~ You have not even attempted to crawl
~ You love to stand
~ You are always bopping to music in your little head. It's so stinking cute.
~ You love to lay your head on your shoulder and give us such innocent looks. It is pretty adorable.
~ You still love your brothers to pieces. Your best smiles are reserved for them.
~ You repeat "Mama" and "Dada" when I say it to you
~ You say "Mama" over and over again when you're upset. Of course I'll pick you up when you call me like that!

All in all, we really can't get enough of your adorable noises, your contagious giggling, and your sweet face. We are all head over heels in love with you, RaeRae!
I didn't get many pictures over the last month because of being so sick. I'm sad I missed her monthly "photo shoot", but here are a few cute ones.

she rolls

And rolls, and rolls, and rolls. This is her means of transportation. Seriously, this kid is everywhere. I find her stuck under chairs, caught under the sofa, and sometimes backed into a corner and not knowing how to get out. This is a new stage for me. The boys NEVER rolled around the room to get what they wanted.

It is so strange how they all develop so differently! Raelynn's rolling cracks me up, but it's frustrating while I try to put her to sleep. I was so used to laying her on her stomach, patting her little bum, and walking out of the room. Now she immediately rolls onto her back and starts to play. She doesn't fall asleep very well on her back, so napping and bedtime have been a bit frustrating for me. At least she sleeps through the night, so I really shouldn't complain.

That's about all that's going on in our home. Rolling.

truth

Around the end of October, I decided to go off some medication I've been on for 5 years. My naturopathic doctor guided me, sent me some herbs to help cope with with drawls, and things were going great (some days harder than others, but all in all good). I'm completely drug free and have been for almost 4 weeks.

I am a wreck now. I thought for sure I'd gotten a case of the crazies and need to go into a hospital. I'm impatient, irrational, grumpy, lazy, depressed, and tired - and those are just a few of the awful characteristics I've developed lately.  I really, honestly thought I was just a terrible stay at home mom and wasn't good at this type of life. I truly was starting to think that I needed to go get a job and find a good, Christian nanny for my kids because I was not cutting it. I was not good enough to teach my kids and stay home with them. (That is part of the irrational).

To top it off, last week, I started not sleeping. Awesome. How does a stay at home mom take care of her kids when she doesn't get any sleep within the hours of midnight and 7am? By making her husband stay home from work some days, and calling her mom in for backup the other days.

 I've been waking up about every 20 minutes with my head spinning, heart pounding, sweating like a football player  and nausea creeping in. I thought I must be going through with drawls from my medication. I couldn't help think, "yeah, I thought that had been too easy".

I talked with the doc today. Apparently I'm having anxiety attacks. What the what?! Aren't anxiety attacks for the weak who can't handle life and just think of themselves too much? Those who need to get out of their selfishness, look around at others, and realize their life is truly a blessing and they just need to get over it?

I'm uneducated in areas such as this. I'll say it. I just don't know. I do know it was nice to realize that all this irrational thinking was coming from with drawls from drugs (anxiety attacks), and not actually being awful at this stay at home stuff.

Thank the Lord for my doc because he is going to help me cope, and hopefully get back to normal. For the last few weeks I've felt like I was falling apart, and not knowing how to handle it. I laid in my bed during the night, begging God to just take it all away. When it persisted and got worse, I'd say, "Fine. Don't take this away. I guess you should go find someone who you actually want to help." I'd say this is my most snide, rude voice I could muster.

IRRATIONAL.

I know the Lord gives and I know He takes away. I know He doesn't give us more than we can handle. I know that we go through hard seasons so that we realize our life without God is nothing. This is all in the Bible.

These anxiety attacks suck. I feel like a wuss. I feel like a failure. I feel like a psycho. But, I know who God is, I know these won't last, and I know that God is everlasting. I know that these attacks are so very minor in the big picture.

So, here's to being psycho, and still pursuing God! Ha.

happy 2012

I hate New Year's resolutions. Seriously. I think they are so silly because most people's lists include work out more, read more, more quiet time....blah blah blah. We've all heard it. So I don't make them. Instead, I live day to day and reflect each day how I need to do better the next day.

Some days are bad. I mean BAD. I go to bed feeling like a complete failure of a child of God, mom, and wife. Seriously. Failure. Other days are good and I give myself a nice pat on the back.

Lately, the bad are outweighing the good. I have been so focused on myself and how unorganized our home is, and I haven't been walking side by side with God. I've been shooting up those emergency prayers. You know, the "Dear Lord, please keep me calm before I strangle these little, loud beings in my home".

Not good. Not good at all.
Ask Bryan. He'll be the first to tell you that I can improve on my mothering and wife skills.

My reflections of the week? More time with God. If I can drag my tired booty out of bed and spend time with the Lord, I KNOW my day will go smoothly. It may not be easy, but at least I'm living with the Holy Spirit guiding me. The Holy Spirit guiding me is a way better life. It's a day to day choice. I need to make the choice of following the Lord everyday.

When I spend my day following the Lord, and I allow the Holy Spirit to guide me, I am a better wife. I am a better mom.

Today I will choose God. Today I will allow the Holy Spirit to move me, change me, and guide me.

Today I will be a better wife and a better mom to these lovely people.

Thank you, Lord, for your guidance and grace! I am a lost girl without it.